Sunday, August 29, 2010

Rainbow Bridges and Stardust Moon Pies

In his search for the finest, softest and most luxurious sod, Rex discovered paradise. Surprisingly, Rex's heaven on Earth was located at a nursery and gardening center in Farmingdale, NY (Home of the Fightin' Dalers). Rex was sent out to the Starkey Landscaping Depot on official business by the NYC Department of Things Golfy. He had spent the better part of a year in search of the perfect tee box surface. There were many others like him; looking for putting greens, fairways and even some straw-like rough. Rex liked working with others, but when it came to tee box grass, he could only work alone. Unlike the others, Rex wanted to see the grass grown out. He didn't like the stressed out, short, over-fertilized look of putting grass. He knew that many courses have been using this grass for tee-boxes and it enraged him. "How could the same turf be used for such different applications", Rex thought. Rex preferred to lay in grass about two to three inches tall and imagine it mowed perfectly to 3/8". Rex had found many adequate sods, but not the one that would end his search, that is not until he arrived at the garden center on this particular day.
Rex wandered the aisles for hours checking out potential yardage markers such as Rhododendron (pink, white and yellow), Fuchsia, Calalilys (for around the sprinkler heads), and even some gorgeous Rock Rose (which he intended to use in his own yard). He checked out the latest in fertilizers, herbicides and pesticides as well as the fine assortment of potting soils and planting mixes. Finally he found himself in the area of Sod samples. He didn't need to look long before he found it. Soft, luscious, elegant and sweet. As Rex laid down in the grass (as he always did, to confirm its characteristics), a puff of powder billowed up. Rex's eyelids grew heavy and just as an associate came running over shaking his head and trying to tell Rex to stand up, Rex could not make out what he was saying, he just fell into a deep, comforting, easy, Sleep.

No longer restrained by his body, Rex flew freely through the store, out the front entrance and into the open sky. He flew west and watched the buildings grow larger and taller until he was over mid-town Manhatten and had to dodge the Empire State Building. Passing the city he was instantly over the saltmarsh of the Meadowlands in Eastern New Jersey. As he traveled he saw the forested hills of the Poconos in Pennsylvania. These hills gave way to the Ohio and Mississippi river valleys. He now needed to gain elevation because despite the flat landscape he knew the Great Continental Divide of the Rocky Mountains was coming up. Up over the Rockies, through the great western desert and finally over the spine of the Sierra Nevada and Rex was where his mind was taking him... Mendocino. A small, quaint Victorian village on the north coast of California and Rex decided to take a break in a nice field with a view of the Point Cabrillo Light House to the north and Grey Whales breaching to the west. His meditation was broken by a shout of "Shister!". What Rex saw only lasted a brief moment. There were men, dressed in drab, earth-tones. Their hooded sweatshirts and sturdy hiking sneakers seemed to be some sort of uniform. Rex saw them throwing frisbees at a cage ringed with chains. When one of them landed in the cage and cheered for a Birdie, Rex was astonished. Birdie means one less than par and par is on a golf course. What is this game?

"Wake up sir", the pimple faced sales associate said. Rex tried to convey his vision to all of the people around him. "They were playing golf without clubs and balls. Just thin wide hockey pucks." Rex knew he could never teach these New Yorkers about this game, so off to work he went, supplying sod for tee boxes and never again tried to share his dream of the Perfect Game.


  1. Rye Bread,

    Is the one known as Rex really you? Welcome home where we (well, mostly Booneville and greater inland Mendocino County) have the finest dried out grass a lad could ask for. CHEERS!


  2. Favorite post in sometime. Well done, sir. Well done.